This new year marks 10 years in recovery of self-harm, but it’s a constant presence residing in me. The comfort it once provided haunts me.
I used to think that by cutting into myself I was allowing for more light to enter; that the darkness I contained needed to be extinguished. What I didn’t realize is that I was also cutting away my feeling. I became used to feeling numb and avoidant.
The impulse to mark myself never went away for me; my reflex of dealing when the world became too heavy to fathom. This world we exist in, it can leave us languishing, broken-hearted, and all too uncertain. I’ve been feeling it too.
Recovery in any sense is an everyday act. I can’t tell you your darkness will disappear or lessen. I can tell you that it’s possible to sit with it, acknowledge it, and refocus that energy into something meaningful. I have to mark myself, even now; but the way I go about it has evolved. I mark myself with connection and creation, and things that fill my spirit. These are the things I want to consume me.
I don’t feel fearful of bringing up topics like these. Secrecy breeds shame, and I am more fearful of what happens when we don’t talk about our deepest and darkest parts. These parts exist, and we can be with them rather than in them
(thank you IFS for that lingo <3).
I don’t how “bad” or “wrong” you feel you may be. I don’t care about the skeletons in your closet, or the secrets and shame
they carry.
I do care about what you do next. I do care about who you decide to connect with, or what you create; what you do with this feeling and very human experience.
I care about what’s next for you. This is a new year, but it’s the same you. The one that got you this far and bore seemingly impossible weight, and pain, and fear.
And here you are; evolving and learning, and all together
human-ing. Beyond fear there is magic.
Listen, and surrender to yourself.