A Self-Love Letter
My darling 19 y.o. self,
Life is feeling heavy and hard, and joy feels impenetrable. I know it feels unfathomable at times;
vacillating between over and underwhelming. You cannot begin to even comprehend where we are headed.
I am so fucking proud of you. You may not feel a sense of celebration yet, but remember I am on the other side of these next 10 years. Let this not only be a message of resilience, but a testament to honor
every part of you.
Trust is a hard thing for you. So that you know it’s me, let me speak what you may be too fearful to say or acknowledge. I know you’re hiding. I know you’re scared and fragile and feeling like every day is a battle to be survived. Thriving seems impossible. You are hurt, and hungry, and lonely, and your skin is starting
to reflect this longing. The armor you have crafted has become so heavy. There will come a day where
you no longer need it.
When you aren’t hiding, you find yourself chasing…I know you’ve become all too familiar with feeling abandoned. These people you are surrounding yourself with, devoting yourself to, know they are not your community. Have fun with them, learn from them, but don’t lose yourself in them. They are not who
you do life with.
The community you have coming is going to cultivate so much more joy and authenticity in your life.
You have this term you use called “framily.” You cannot begin to imagine the amount of soulful and nourishing connections you will make once you start finding comfort and ease in authenticity.
You will know a love not worth fighting for, but worth cherishing all your days. Your soul will recognize him immediately. He is so worth these lessons you are living. I promise you will never know a day as dark as you are faced with now with him by your side. On that note, listen to your mom. This woman holds more wisdom than you realize. She is concerned about you and will continue to show up for you even when you don’t.
Keep creating. I know it’s dark and it’s all-consuming and you’re feeling a bit preoccupied with ending it all. Your expression will evolve, and so will you.
You are going to learn so much. You already know the strength in knowledge, but in time you will start to see the softness in wisdom. You will learn compassion. You’ll learn that love and art and joy are essentially all the same thing. They come from you and what you’re putting into the world. That sounds exhausting. I know you’re tired, but I promise you when you’re here- all of these will feel so much more nourishing
than depleting.
You will know home; in places, and experiences, but most of all in love.
I promise there is light, and that this darkness is only meant to illuminate so that you may recognize it when it comes. You are going to be overflowing with inspiration, and community, and the most delightful abundance of love. I don’t want to give away the plot, but know that you are going to help and heal so many people through their darkest days.
I’m going to share a secret that people search their whole lives to discover. Magic exists,
just not in the way you’ve thought. You will find it in conversations, and travel, in freedoms, and even
in tears. You’ve cried a lot of those. Sometimes, like people, those are worth shedding.
I don’t want to give away too much for fear of losing this space you’re in. Know that as desolate as it feels,
I would do it all the same way to get to this place. This knowing, this innate stillness and rhythm-
it’s worth the shadows.
I will keep you safe. I will be your shelter, and your hope, and manifest meaning to our life.
You never left me. You will never need to abandon her to find this place. You are and continue to be,
my foremost muse.
In love and longevity,
Us